IMPACT OF DEATH ON A COUPLE

The death of a child deeply affects and disrupts the prior functioning of each partner and the dynamic of a couple relationship. While the relationship may have felt like a resource that each partner could turn to in the past, this capacity may collapse leaving each partner feeling helpless, vulnerable and defensive.

The demands on each partner to think and respond are greatest at a time when their coping skills are overwhelmed. In response to the psychological stress impacting upon each parent, the couple may begin to experience their partner quite differently and begin to criticise, blame or reject their partner.

They may feel unable to respond to the grief in their partner while struggling with their own.

Having already lost the attachment relationship with their child or pregnancy, the parent may anticipate or fear the loss of their partner.

The death encompasses the loss of a parent's hopes, dreams, and expectations for their child causing upswings of intense grief around events such as birthdays and even seeing other children grow and develop, including siblings.

This is where Penthos can help. Penthos’ team of experienced couple therapists offer parents a specialist program that enables them to process their grief together. This may help the couple to grow through their experience of loss and grief.

Addressing grief with partners

Often bereaved partners are not aware or may ignore their feelings and attempt to deny or minimise the impact and severity of the trauma they are experiencing.  One partner may give voice to the couple’s grief while the other endeavours to dismiss it.

Consequently, partners may also end up feeling critical and mistrustful of themselves or their partners.

In these circumstances, one partner may be unwilling or uncertain about the value of seeking help. 

Here are some steps you can take to help involve your partner in seeking help. 

  • Acknowledge your own feelings of grief to your partner and ask how they are feeling 

  • Identify your concern about the effect of the loss on your relationship and your feeling that it would be good to talk together with someone who is trained to help couples who have lost a child.

  • Penthos can help give you further advice on how to engage with your partner.